Ana Weber: Compromise Isn’t Settling!

IS divorce a compromise or a settlement?

All relationships require compromise. We negotiate, we give in on certain things, and we hold fast to others that we feel are too much a part of our identity to give up on. Again, it’s all about choices. To take a silly example, if it really matters to your partner whether the toilet paper sits on the roll facing in or out, and you don’t care, give your partner that victory. But when your partner suggests a vacation on a 20,000-foot mountain and you get asthma above 10,000 feet, it’s time to politely but firmly say that won’t work.

Let’s look at some of our own compromises and settling examples:

1. It’s Friday night. You’re dating a great guy and you have plans to go out. He calls just as you’re about step into the shower and tells you that the boss sprung a big project on him with a Monday morning deadline. You take a deep breath and invite him to have breakfast with you tomorrow instead–and the weekend goes very well for both of you.

2. First date with a neighbor living one floor below your sister’s apartment. You met him briefly and instantly you felt his energy and a desire to get to know him. Apparently he felt the same. He asked your sister for your phone number. He called and you chose a local café to meet for tea or coffee.

The entire time he talked about himself and never bothered to ask you anything about your life. He gave you no space to talk. He asked you out again for Happy hour at the local Mexican Restaurant. Again he repeated the same behavior. At the end of the date he asked you out again. You simply responded. I am no longer interested. He acted surprised but you did not care. You had no desire to settle for this type of guy.

3. Silvia was a charming young divorced woman with no kids. She was in her thirties and felt comfortable with her life until one day, attending a family get together, her mother asked her quietly: are you too picky to find a man? Honey, she said, Your Father is not perfect either. What is it that you are looking for?

Going home that afternoon you began to question your choices, your outlook on marriage and thinking of all that your girlfriends are going through. You ran into a high school mate a few weeks later at the local grocery store. He seemed nice. You remembered he was quite popular at school but now? You knew nothing about him except that he was working as an engineer in a local firm earning 95k as he commented briefly at the supermarket. Are you dating he asked? Not at the moment she replied with a smile. Well what are we waiting for? Sylvia and Dan dated for 3 months and she decided it was good enough. They got engaged and 6 months later they got married; a small cozy ceremony and a light summer meal.

Was this settling or compromise? You decide. Two years later they got divorced. They had different goals and dreams. Neither one of them wanted to compromise OR cared to give more.

Divorce and personal relationship represent only a fraction of our lives; a slice of the pie but a huge one indeed, influencing the rest of the pie staring at us with questions. Be careful of your choices. We own those choices and we can achieve liberty and personal freedom throughout our choices.

Divorce and singlehood is not one size fits all. Sometimes one must choose to go your own way and not settle for a dysfunctional lifestyle, a union that cannot be repaired or changed. It does take two to tango! The key is to unlock the insecurities in you; the doubts, the fear and the worries that it might not work. Remember, one thing and one thing only; you have yourself. You can rebuild a whole new relationship with yourself and learn to embrace the person in you always joining you wherever you are and wherever you go regardless to the geographical location, who is joining you and why you are there in the first place.

One of the toughest things to do is to step out of our familiar life, all that we are accustom to, habits formed throughout the years and shift into the UNKNOWN, the unfamiliarity. One of the big signs to watch out for is when we are in a relationship and we still feel alone, isolated and disconnected emotionally. No communication, NO alignment and NO SPARK! What happened you ask? There are hundreds of answers to your question, and yes, you’ve got to go back and tap into the utmost delicate seed you’d rather ignore. THE beginning of this decline you just became so aware of. Just like the jeans in your upper shelf. They simply don’t fit. How did I gain the extra 10 lbs? Was it an overnight process just like your marriage or a slow incline in your weight and a slow decline connecting with him/her.

There are lots of questions to be asked and you owe it to yourself to answer them in your own intimate state of mind and existence. How did I get here anyway? What made me pursue this choice? Why isn’t this working?

My personal experience influenced me to get out of several marriages and learn to get to know who and how I was. It took me to a whole different dimension; a higher level of frequency and I could never go back. I embarked on a new journey I never imagined before and I LOVE my life! Is this success? Or happiness? Or a blend of the two? Just like that juice you prepare every morning. You add bananas but your partner hates bananas; what is the alternative fruit?

We can translate and describe success in many shapes and forms and success is not easy to achieve, particularly in a union formed by two considering that we are different playing the game of reality. Success is not for everyone but happiness is.

When we focus and devote our energy into the things that make us happy, choose friends, careers, hobbies and list goes on and on, in the process we learn to delete the things that make us unhappy.
Reaching our own intimate happiness and state of mind will lead you to a healthy leadership with our entire being. And guess what? Only by going through these steps will you be more apt to be a great partner, a fantastic parent, reach a higher paying career and live a life with passion, spirit and purpose.

Compromise is a choice to negotiate and validate one another and support one another. It derives from desire, love and integrity. You grow, you learn and you give.

Settling is a seed derived from fear, worry, and lack of confidence, anger and stress.
Look and feel the disparity. Which would you choose?

Self Help on Huffington Post

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